Keeping On Keeping On

Occasionally there are phrases that you come up with to keep you going through tough times, or to explain the hurt, or to justify your own behaviour, which is good, I suppose. An emotional survival strategy, telling yourself, this too will pass, everything happens for a reason, there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’not really that important, time heals all wounds, or whatever salve you choose. You tell yourself over and over and over, until you believe it. And the thought becomes so much a part of you that you sometimes can’t let it go, even when the time for which it was useful is long gone.

My phrase was always “keep on keeping on”. It arose predominantly out of a time when I was mired deep in the pit of uncontrolled epilepsy, with side-effects from medicines that meant there were days when I couldn’t even see properly, much less think straight. When you have to concentrate to remember that you are eating your food, you know you are in a bad way. There were days when it would’ve been so much easier to just curl up and give in, but I didn’t, and I am a stronger, more compassionate person because of it. I would whisper to myself, keep on keeping on, even if it was only for the next ten minutes, when meds gave me ants under my skin, or the mere smell of food made me sick, or when I was always hungry, and slowly I kept going, and I managed to build a life again. Twice in fact (I moved countries – the attitude came in handy again).

But I’m not there anymore. And now I need to learn to give it my best, and then let it go. I have tried so hard, for so long, and got so tired so many times, I need to just let the effort go. Cast my bread upon the waters, as they say. Not cast my bread upon the waters and then make a raft to follow it around so I can keep track of it to make sure it will come back. The idea is simple – you do your bit, and then you have to leave it. There are times when there is nothing else you can do. You have to just let go. Which means you don’t keep on keeping on.

You go and make muffins with Little Person instead.

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