Drowning out the “Bad Mother” Monster

I’ve been a mother for a little over 5 years now, and for the majority of that time, I felt like a fraud. There was a little monster on my shoulder whispering in my ear that actually, I was a Bad Mother, and one day everybody was going to find out.

I tried everything to shut that monster up. I tried homemade treats, visits to the park, I tried being strict, and being not so strict. I read blogs to remind myself that I was not alone. I remembered my own childhood, my own mother struggling against the odds, doing the best that she could. I spoke to my mum, I spoke to The Dude. I almost tried talking to people. But I could never silence the monster.

And then, we had the Little Adventure. In the space of a few weeks, I had a funny turn that has left me with a tiring heart problem, we had a meeting with Little Person’s teacher due to her insufficient progress at school, we started speech and language therapy. (SLT is not for the faint-hearted.) All followed by the birthday.

We booked a party at one of those soft play places, to start at 11.30. We ordered a cake with her name on it, to be delivered to our house at 10.30, so we could be out the door by 11 (it’s a 10 minute drive if there’s no traffic, and you don’t accidentally drive to your friends’ house first). Did I mention I’m a stickler for time?

10.30 – no cake.

10.45 – still no cake. And I realise that I have no contingency plan.

10.50 – still no cake, but I’m working out a plan. Everybody’s ready, The Dude and Little Person can go to the party place and I’ll rush off to the supermarket and buy a cake. Except I will need to put petrol in my car.

10.53 – still no cake. Also, may need to check I have money to buy petrol and cake.

10.55 – Cake arrives. The Dude deals with it. I’m putting my shoes on. Door slams as Cake Lady disappears.

10.56 – I realise that Little Person’s name has been misspelled, with an extra letter right in the middle. And Cake Lady is gone.

I fixed it. And we went to the party, and Little Person had a lovely time playing on the climbing frame, and hiding in the cinema room watching the television, and sometimes playing with her friends and sometimes completely ignoring her friends.

And somehow I realised that for all the times I felt that I wasn’t doing it right, I was. Because maybe Little Person is just a little quirky, and that means she needs a mum that’s just a little quirky. A mum like me.

And I haven’t heard from the Bad Mother Monster since.

 

This post is dedicated to all the mums with hearts that stretch a little wider to embrace lives that are a little different. You are the special ones, the brave ones. The ones that deserve all the kindness, love and chocolate the world can give. I don’t know how you do it, but I admire you because you stand up each morning, and try again.

And also to my mum, who continues to display the strength and courage that inspires me to stay true.

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One thought on “Drowning out the “Bad Mother” Monster

  1. Drowning out the “Bad Mother” Monster

    They say never too old to learn! It is even more special to learn from someone you love who
    is able to express themselves so creatively and share their God given talent.
    Another page to add to my ‘Rosie Poetry” journal.

    Like

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