I Will Build My Dreams Around You Us
I never planned on getting married. I mean, I had a brief period of time where I thought that I was desperately lonely and a partner would solve all my problems (that’s why I joined a dating website), but by the time I met The Dude, I was determinedly and happily single. But The Dude’s The Dude, and so I married him.
I never expected to be able to have a child. The doctors in South Africa informed me that I do not ovulate regularly (TMI, but there you go), and so it was highly unlikely that I would ever conceive naturally. So I went ahead and enrolled in university after I got married. Well, Little Person is my unexpected miracle. She’s wonderful, and beautiful, and I love her. But she’s not what I planned.
Organising and planning and working out systems are my things. I love them. I love knowing what I’m aiming for, what I’m building, what my next step is and how I’m going to get there. And I had it all worked out, more or less. Admittedly, it wasn’t exactly working to plan back when I met The Dude, but I was reworking things. I had a dream, I had a plan, I was going to make it work.
I’ll let you in on a secret. The dreams from back then, aren’t the dreams I have any more. I took a slight detour to the new dreams, but it’s a beautiful journey, and I think I may just love my new dreams more. Why? Because I have learnt something, and I have loved someone, and I am a better person, and dreamer, for it.
See, as much as I love plans and organising and solving problems and fixing things, I love growth, and people, and relationships and acceptance and dreams more. So yes, I had big dreams to be a somebody, to do something big, to change the world, but I’m learning to live out my big dreams in a small space. Eventually the space might expand, but also, it might not.
For a while after I got married, I thought that I had to give up my dreams to live for The Dude’s dreams, and then I thought that The Dude had to give up his dreams to live for mine. And then I thought that maybe, we both had to give up our dreams to look after the Little Person’s dreams. But the only way she’s going to be able to dream big, the way I want her to, is if she sees me dreaming big. But then I tried to dream big again, and all I ended up with was frustration and confusion (kind of like you, right now, reading this).
Because love is not giving up your dreams to live somebody else’s dream. Love is giving up your dream to live your dream. As in, giving up the dream of the singular to live the dream of the multiple. And it can be difficult, because letting go of dreams is always hard. But it will be beautiful, because how could it not be? The Dude is a wonderful man, with a beautiful heart, and together we can dream and build something that represents each of us and both of us, all at the same time.
So no, I do not build my dreams around The Dude, or around Little Person. I build my dreams around all of us, together.
(The inspiration for this post came from a line in “The Fairytale of New York” by The Pogues. Don’t listen to it, mum, some of the language is questionable. But the tune’s nice.)